The Ghost of Howard Stern

As a kid, I always looked forward to Halloween. I enjoyed choosing a costume, and what could be better than roaming the neighborhood to get free candy? 


I can still remember my all-time favorite costume. As a child in the 1960s, I was about 8 years old when I dressed as an astronaut. The only problem was that the "helmet" included a plastic face shield that fogged up every time I exhaled. 


At some point, Halloween became a less interesting event for me. I had no interest in costumes, and I generally have access to candy at all times anyway. Two years ago, a friend of my wife's invited us to a murder mystery dinner theater, and we were expected to arrive in costume.


Barb found a long black wig, some "tattoo" sleeves and some inexpensive costume jewelry. She wasn't dressing up as anyone in particular, just wanted to look funkier than usual. At my work at that time, there was a young secretary who definitely marched to the beat of her own drummer--she had creative tattoos and piercings.


Upon seeing Barb's supplies, Mandy instantly recognized that Barb would make a great Kat Von D, the star of the tv show, LA Ink. I had never heard of it, but Barb was excited.

Now the pressure was on--what could I come up with. I went to the mall and browsed Hot Topic. There wasn't much left to pick from. As I began to feel desperate, I noticed a small collectible action figure of punk rocker Joey Ramone. Joey was wearing jeans, a black t-shirt and black jacket with his wild black hair.


THAT WAS IT! I found a wig, and a black jacket. Hot Topic even had a black Ramones t-shirt. I went to Kohl's and found some skinny jeans (skinny is a redundant adjective when I'm wearing denim).


Barb and I were HOT together. We were a perfect couple. For once in my adult life, I had a decent Halloween outfit. We had our son take our picture. We had to save our triumph for posterity!


We arrived at the dinner theater, knowing we had a good chance to win Best Costumes. As the evening progressed, my anticipation grew. Everyone commented on Barb's Kat Von D costume. Surprising to me, everyone knew who Kat Von D was--and this was not a young crowd. I received several compliments as well.


Finally, it was time for the announcement. I was shocked when the best female costume was awarded to someone other than Barb. Moments later, the emcee for the evening proclaimed Howard Stern as the male winner. I looked all around and could not find a Howard Stern anywhere...Then I realized, everyone was looking at me...